Teboned

Good morning everyone! Or afternoon, evening, or 3:00 in the morning, whichever it happens to be when you feast your eyes on this deluxe version of the blog that is about one month in the making. I doubt I can make up for the unlimited amount of pain and suffering you all have felt each day when you found out that I didn't post anything new that week. But I can try. And there have been some interesting things going on around here lately. Just kidding, we all know that my life is wicked boring and nothing exciting ever happens to me, I just like to make it seem like that by writing about it every single week. Regardless, our trek through the world's events must return all the way back to the NFL Draft in April...I know, didn't think I could remember back that far, did you?

The Broncos drafted Tim Tebow, sidearm throwing, jump-pass making, linebacker-looking, jerkface of a quarterback out of Florida, the one non-Big East school that I truly hate. Had to get that out of the way. I threw up in my mouth a little bit when I typed it and I can feel some wooziness and a high fever coming on as we speak. The kicker, though, is despite the fact that the Broncos started out with two first round picks (11th and 14th), they ended up trading about 14,000 times on the first day, moving down in the first round, moving out of the first round, and giving up about 3 more picks to move back into the first round to get Tebow 25th. The word on the street is that Tebow was such an attractive option because his character was in order (no complaints here, at least we won't get another whiny baby like Jay Cutler) and that he'd changed his throwing motion to one more conventional and conducive to professional football. In regards to that, assuming he's been throwing a football since he was 5, that's about 17 or 18 years of throwing the ball sidearm. So yes, I'm sure 2 months of practice will defeat all of his bad habits that he has had his entire life. That would be like me practicing for two months to never use the word "the" in conversation. Sure it would work out sometimes, like in this sentence perhaps, but in the (damn) long run, I would relapse under pressure when it matters most. Not a perfect comparison but good enough.

There are two theories on why the Broncos decided to pick Tebow. I'll start with the undoubtedly negative and horrible one first, and then move on the the extremely cheesy and optimistic one. Anyone who knows about the Broncos knows about their tradition of getting my hopes up and then cruelly dashing them again and again. I think I've told this story before, but it all comes together I promise. Two years ago, the Broncos made history by giving away a 3 game lead with 3 games to play. Yeah, they were the first team ever to do that. Like having the Guiness world record for longest time staying awake. Sure you get recognized for something, that's positive. But it leaves you wanting to just lie down somewhere and not talk to anybody for a month. Last year, Denver made no history but had an arguably more impressive collapse. They started 6-0, the playoffs were a certainty, their coach was a genius, we couldn't be happier. Before we knew it, 2 wins and 8 losses later, we once again were golfing in January. Here's where the theory comes in. The Broncos drafted Tebow to make him our quarterback and go 0-16 to top all of our previous failures once and for all. Then again, can you call it a collapse if you never had any hopes to begin with?

Theory number 2: The Broncos are in fact the TC Williams high school football team from Remember the Titans. A new guy moves into town and wants to play quarterback. At first, you have your doubts. He's not a classic quarterback, doesn't have all the moves down that most QB's do, but he's athletic and can be trained. This comes in the midst of a change of head coaches and all of the players are on edge. One of the main characters gets kicked off the team (or traded in the Broncos' case). The coach looks for players with integrity and desperately tries to hold the team together. He also wants to win. No matter what. Quote: "We're just trying to win a mother f***ing game!" The previous statements are all true for both teams now. Here's what will be true. In the championship game, the quarterback stars on defense as well as offense, and Tim Tebow could do just that. He's built like a linebacker with a neck like a Doric column. He will be able to lead block for the Fake 23 Blast with a Backside George Reverse just like Sunshine did for the Titans. Last play of the Super Bowl with time winding down, put the ball in the hands of Kyle Orton and he will run 75 yards for a touchdown, no doubt about that. So Tim Tebow is the key to winning the Virginia high school football state championship. That's what I've determined, and the Broncos are finally going to have some hardware at the end of the season.

One more bit of sports before we move on. This no longer is applicable, but it was at one time. The NHL has proven to be much more efficient in running its postseason than the NBA. NBA playoffs are the most ridiculously drawn out and unnecessarily long postseason of any sports league ever. Including this one. The playoffs started in April when I was still not worried about my final exams and will not conclude until over a month after I get home in late June. NHL playoffs aren't too much better, but hear this. The first round of NHL games were over, with two series lasting 7 games, before the NBA even had all of their series play 5 games. There were numerous occasions where teams would have two off days in a row. That never ever happens in the regular season. Take notes on how the NCAA does basketball. 3 weekends, 6 rounds, best sports event ever. If I wanted to watch something that lasted two months I would watch the World Cup twice. Once in English and once en Espanol. You know why. Goooooooooaallllll!!!!!

On another topic that has absolutely nothing to do with anything I've been talking about, I recently began to suspect that fire alarms are not totally being used what they were meant for. I came to this conclusion whilst at Syracuse and had some very bad experiences with said alarms. Way way back in freshman year (I know, I can't believe it either), I lived in a dorm that had more "fires" in one year than any building ever in the history of the world. It seemed like every night we would be awakened by a shrill siren and a cheery "Attention: an emergency has been reported in the building. Do not use elevators. Have a nice day, and good luck taking your midterm tomorrow on 3 hours of sleep!" I managed to avoid every single alarm in my building this year besides the 11 PM one where it was snowing and I was in sandals, but I'll mark it down as a win. However, the dorms weren't my problem this year. One day I was in Whitman where they had a fire drill, walked across the street where the alarm of the building I walked into promptly went off inside of 5 minutes later. First, what is the point of a fire drill? Most people get told when they're happening, fail to take them seriously, and end up staying in their room with the door locked and the lights off. This attitude just so happens to carry over to every single burnt popcorn/pot smoking/birthday candle incident that the super-sophisticated systems at the Cuse pick up and determine are about to burn down every building on campus. Not a fan. I'm not saying that there isn't a chance of a fire in a dorm. I'm saying that by now most people know how to get out of a building and that you should just get off our backs about it.

As you may know, I like chicken nuggets a fair amount. Alright alright, I would walk back to Cuse from Clifton Park barefoot if I found out they were serving chicken nuggets. However, I would have some trouble believing SU Food Services if they said they were for lunch today. Here's the story. At the end of the year, Syracuse does students the favor of helping them to procrastinate studying for their finals with study breaks, serving some food between 9:30 and midnight. They even tell you beforehand about the food that will be served during each of the breaks. Imagine my surprise when I walk into the dining hall in April, look up at the monitor, and see that Tuesday, May 11 is finger food day, with special guest chicken nuggets. I immediately checked off the date on my calendar and got ready by washing all of my tupperware and clearing out a backpack to put all of my nugg conquests in to hold me over for the summer. This was a unique opportunity. First semester, the dining hall had nuggs every Tuesday like clockwork. Second semester, not so much. Every other week, sometimes Mondays, sometimes Thursdays, they were like lightning. You'd never know where they were going to be or when they were going to be there. Well, when they tell you where the nuggs are going to be, we have a Back to the Future situation on our hands. The only way to know where lightning is going to strike is if it hits a clock tower, freezing it at the exact time it strikes, and you get a pamphlet on said clock tower's illustrious history. Oh, and you have to have a time machine to go back to the strike itself. Well, the study break was my time machine and Ernie Davis dining hall was my clock tower about to get struck by the golden brown lightning that is chicken nuggets. I spent weeks preparing for the moment, getting ready for the one-point-twenty one jiggawatts of deliciousness I was about to harness. Only one problem. Food services neglected to tell me that when they said they were serving chicken nuggets at the study break, they actually meant that there would be no chicken nuggets to be found. So yeah, just a little bitter over that little incident.

One more thing to conclude this rapidly lengthening and making up for the month of lost time post. I recently went to Boston to visit my best friend with another one of my best friends. They both are Red Sox fans. I am a Twins fan. So, obviously, we went to see a Red Sox vs. Twins game. Mistake on my part, as the Twins decided not to try. At all. They did get a couple people on base the first few innings. However, they legitimately managed to hit into double plays every single time. And the Sox had no problems hitting homeruns every inning or two, and soon enough I left Fenway Park with a sense of disappointment and disdain. Only thing that made up for it was the fact that after the game, I was having chicken quesadillas with two of my best friends who...sniff sniff...I will not be seeing very mush of this summer. So here's a shout out to you two who made that a great two days and who I will miss terribly this summer.

Oh, I almost forgot. There was an impasse between who of us visitors would sleep on the couch and who would sleep on the floor. My friend said we should devise some sort of challenge, the winner of which would get the couch. I didn't think we'd have too much trouble thinking of one. While waiting for the quesadillas to cook, we played a game of HORSE with a ping pong ball and a glass of water. But, when the time came for a real challenge with real consequences, I thought of something better. After watching some How I Met Your Mother, I got a hankering to slap someone. So I told my friend that if he let me slap him in the face, he could sleep on the couch. He agreed. What followed was one of the greatest moments in my life. Not that I have anything against my friend, but that slap was so amazingly awesome that I think I may have just had an epiphany to solve the American economy because of it.

We need to gradually ween the US off of the dollar onto a new currency. Slaps. When you go to the grocery store, you get slapped twice to buy eggs, once for a candy bar, and so on. We could even implement fractional slaps. If they slap you above what the item costs, your change is slapping them back. You could take out loans if your face hurts too much and pay back a few slaps per month with interest. People would be a lot more careful about what they spend their slaps on, because impulse shoppers would just get pummeled every time they go out shopping. This system would foster savings, financial preparation for the future, and an overall toughening up of the cupcakes we call Americans. I don't see a single problem with it, and I think President Obama should consider setting the wheels in motion. Yes We Can...get slapped in the face.