Unemployment? More Like Funemployment!

Fresh off a statement win for the Syracuse basketball program...well not really a statement win, more like us beating up on a not so good team. That's not even close to maybe approaching an almost grammatically correct sentence. Oh well, grammar is for people who go to schools that can't play sports. Like Providence. And people in grammar class. Like me. Ask me what the difference between a dependent clause and an independent clause is. Just try me, I'm begging you. Seriously, otherwise I have no use for this knowledge.

I'm going to get the basketball out of the way while it's fresh in my mind. Providence invoked the "Nobody Misses 35-foot 3-Pointers Against Syracuse" Rule repeatedly in the first half. Those guys really could not miss. However, Syracuse kind of couldn't either. Despite them making 10 3's in the first half from a combined distance of about 3 miles away, we were only down 5 at the half. Providence would've been beating the Boston Celtics the way they were playing. Scary good. Come the second half, though, things changed. After they made one more shot from out of state. Wait, they played in Rhode Island, so the entire state is contained in the halfcourt of the Providence basketball arena. Haha because Rhode Island is wicked small, right? Whatever, the point is that Cuse went on a couple of gigundo runs to take control. Rick Jackson was doing this (with his eyes closed, mind you):
And Andy Rautins was doing this (admittedly this wasn't a picture from tonight's game but you get the picture ;) ):

And Jim Boeheim was doing this:I would like to take a moment to point out a certain pensive young gentleman dressed all in orange in the background who had a workman-like 7 point, 8 rebound night. Just sayin'. I used these pictures because they describe things so much better than I can. And since a picture says a thousand words, this is by far my longest blog. Thanks for sticking around despite my long windedness.

Because, speaking of that young man in the above picture, he was involved in another contest of athleticism on Thursday. Against those guys we really don't like too much. Whose mascot is a made up word. Or, after checking dictionary.com, it may be a word after all. Check this out.

hoy·a
–noun
any shrubby climbing plant of the genus Hoya, of the milkweed family, esp. the wax plant, H. carnosa, a pot plant with waxy white flowers.

Solid. Well, we built up a 60-37 lead over the Georgetown Waxy Flowers at one point in the second half. Then we decided to make the game really really exciting (which turned out great, let me tell you). So the Waxy Flowers went on a 33-11 run to get within 71-70 after Syracuse took about 10 minutes to go get coffee or something. Syracuse gets the ball with about 40 or so seconds left. They need a score to help put the game out of reach. Wes Johnson is on the floor. Who gets the ball with a monumentally important game on the line? That's right. It had to come up eventually in this post. Mah boy. Kris "TGBPWHEOWEL" Joseph. Crossover. Drive. Layup. Game over.

On a slightly less sports-like note, there has finally been someone who sees the glass as half-full. This awful period for the economy has been but one positive opinion away from being just "A break from that whole 'making money' nonsense." Well, finally somebody sees the light. In this man's eyes, the stock market is just resting. The housing market is planning its homecoming parade. Unemployment is the best thing that could happen to a person. Who is this mystery man? The chairman of the Federal Reserve Board, surely. If not that, a leading economist with the government's ear must be making these claims. Guess again. The savior of public opinion, the master of all things economic, is football coach Andy Reid. Upon releasing running back Brian Westbrook, he said the following:

"We're giving him the opportunity...to maximize his ability to go and get another job."

Just think about that for a second. Done? Ok. This is hands down one of the stupidest things that I have ever heard in my entire life. So Andy is doing Westbrook this huge favor. Westbrook really really wanted to get a job in addition to the whole starting for the Philadelphia Eagles thing, and now thanks to the Eagles he won't have so many pesky practices and games in the way when trying to work out his new work schedule at the 7-11. Couldn't have done it without you Andy Reid!

For those of you who know me, prepare to get to know me better. For those of you who don't, prepare to get weirded out. So I have some unfortunate habits when I sleep. You name it, I do it. In the past I have sleepwalked, snored up something fierce, ground my teeth, drooled enough saliva to float a battleship, slept with my eyes open, and, most frequently, sleeptalked. I have had conversations with my brother when he comes into the room after I have fallen asleep. I refer to actual events that will take place in ways that make absolutely no sense. Here is the one pre-college quote I can recall.

"Me and [my brother] are working together so all you people on the right better watch out!"

This was the day before my first day on the job at a snack bar with my brother. Now that I'm at college, I have an awesome roommate who seems to never ever go to sleep. So he has taken it upon himself to record my sleeptalks. Not counting all of the times he has either forgotten what I said or misplaced his post-it notes, I have a line of 7 notes of mini-conversations I have had while asleep or pretty much 99% unconscious. I'll just give some highlights, a lot of them are pretty dumb, much like what I say when I'm awake.

"I do not see one from here. Then again, I don't have glasses on. Over."
"Wonder? Wonder? I thought wind never won websites!"
"[Roommate's name], you can use my water bottle to get some water if you want."

And finally, a real conversation this week:
Me: "Do you think induction nights are for young people?"
Roommate: "What?"
Me: "I think [friend's name] is planning for something."
Roommate: "What?"
Me: "Dammit why am I talking to you about this?"
Roommate: "It's ok because I'm cool."
Me: "That's true."

So the conclusions we can draw from this:

1. I have impeccable grammar
2. I have a flair for alliteration
3. I am extremely generous
4. I am paranoid

But only in my sleep!

Sorry, I know this is starting to get extremely long, but I have one special request for those of you who have gotten this far. Tuesday is my birthday. I'm not asking for presents, but ideas. I'm going to be pretty close to the court at the St. John's game and would like to make a sign including some of the following:

1. It's my birthday (3/2)
   
2. Kris Joseph and his number (32)
3. Throw me a shoe

If anyone out there has a clever sign idea with the above or any other elements, let me know on Facebook, in person, via carrier pigeon, or however else you kids are sending messages nowadays besides texts. I thank you all ahead of time for your input and for being awesome friends and humoring my little rants once a week in this, my last post as an 18-year-old. Ciao!

Swarmed Under

I'm going to be up front with you. This post...is going to suck. It'll probably be the worst piece of writing I have ever had the misfortune of bringing forth to wreak its havoc on the good earth. As a matter of fact, it already is. But don't let that stop you from reading it!

This is going to have to be quick. It's writing this blog or getting enough sleep, and it's obvious which one I'm picking. So if I'm cranky tomorrow (today), then cut me some slack. The reason why this is such a godawful post (besides the fact that I keep planting the idea in your head) is that I just had my first experience of the harbinger of everlasting torture and boredom that is my Econ homework. I worked on it for about an hour. I got part a done pretty quickly...only 10 minutes or so. Then I spent the next 50 minutes putting numbers for 31 observations into a spreadsheet. I'm talking literally a spreadsheet. Like, a piece of looseleaf paper that I had spread out on my desk. No Excel allowed for this assignment. And, as an added bonus, all of the numbers (calculated with the dinkiest four function calculator you'd ever seen) must be carried out to 4 decimal places. So, now, long story short, I'm almost done with part b. Only 5 more parts to go. Due Friday. At noon. And I'm at work from 9-12:30. So I need to hand it in beforehand. In the snow. Barefoot. Uphill both ways. Broken glass everywhere. Subzero temperatures. Passing bears attempting to maul me at every turn. It's gonna be fun, I'm looking forward to it.

Now to some quick Cuse basketball updates. It was a tale of two Kris Josephs this past week. Kind of. Kris played pretty poorly for the first 35 minutes of last Wednesday's UConn game. Missed a ton of shots. Turned the ball over a few times. Played lackadaisical defense. Hoooowever, the last 5 minutes featured Kris as a lockdown defender and as a rebounding machine. And, as a bonus, with the game on the line, he made 4 straight free throws in the last 30 seconds to seal the deal. Cuse wins, UConn doesn't. Just the way things should be.

Fast forward to Cuse Louisville. Nobody goes for Cuse on offense. We couldn't have score a basket if it were the size of the referee that everyone wanted so badly to punch. Kris missed layup after layup, but for some reason was a flawless 2-for-2 with his jumpshots. I had no idea what was happening. But, we lost. No offense+no rebounding+intentional fouls = 30,000 very disappointed Cuse fans.

I apologize for the brevity of this post. And its lack of content. And humor. And pretty much everything I try to get out of this blog for you guys. So bear with me, when I don't have the worst homework assignment in the world to do, I'll do better. Next week maybe? (fingers crossed)

Best. Day. Ever. (And More!)

So it seems like forever since I posted last. I guess it's only been a week. It feels this way because literally the day after I wrote on Tuesday, I had the Best. Day. Ever. For those of you who saw my Facebook status and spent the entire week dying to find out what transpired during those amazing 24 hours, I apologize. I am a victim of my circumstances and the fact that each week has only 7 days. I'm sorry, if I could change that, I would, but in case you hadn't noticed, I didn't invent the calendar.

So here it is. The rundown of the four things that Perfect Storm-ed my last Wednesday into my Best. Day. Ever. Don't knock them if they don't seem like good reasons. Because they are. So deal with it. Apologies to those who I already bothered with this narrative in person.

1. It was chicken nugget day.

This may look like something a second grader would write down, but seriously, chicken nuggets are amazing no matter where they are made. And this includes school dining halls. What's more, the Syracuse University Food Services conspired against me this semester. What is by far my busiest and most stressful semester had been thus far bereft of the sublime goodness that is chicken nuggets. But, what do you know, the first time I got them was last Wednesday. And I chowed down, don't you worry.

2. I [obtained] a bottle of ketchup.

Everyone knows chicken nuggets are only as good as the ketchup they are drenched in. Well, the new Ernie Davis dining hall is a little bit lackluster in the ketchup department. Meaning- only about 25% of tables usually have bottles of ketchup on them and most are about 10% full. For all you math majors out there, that's 2.5% of the full capacity of Ernie Davis ketchup dispensers. Well, not true on this, the Best. Day. Ever. Every table, as far as the eye can see, had been blessed with the presence of a full bottle of ketchup. Score.

3. Subway for dinner (the company wasn't bad either)

Everyone's gotta love Subway. $5 for a wicked awesome foot long sub. Delicious bread, delectable ingredients, that intoxicating aroma you can smell from blocks away. It wasn't on par with chicken nuggets, but it was a good second act. And, to make matters even more awesome, I got to chill with 3 of my bestest friends!

4. You'll never guess who I saw...again!

That's right. Kris Joseph. Funny how these things work out. I'm running late for class, can't cross the street because an endless conga-line of cars is going past, seems like things aren't going my way. Well, who should walk by (surrounded by the ladies and talking on his cell phone) but my man KJ 3-2. I know that I can't blow this, my second opportunity to talk to Kris, so I think of something to say and I think of it right quick. Here's the sterling dialogue I shared with Kris "TGBPWHEOWEL" Joseph (you may see some parallels between this conversation and the one I entered into with Rick Jackson).

Me- "You da man, Kris!"
Kris- "Thanks man."

Yep, pretty sure every basketball player has been prepped by Jim Boeheim to say "Thanks man" to any crazy fan who talks to them on campus. What a moment, what a moment. Best. Day. Ever.

I'm looking at the title now and am just realizing that I promised And More! in addition to Best. Day. Ever. Well, I could talk about the Super Bowl, but that's old news. And the commercials were sub-par to boot. This is how Super Bowl commercials should be:



Those were the days. Hidden on that day of that marginally important football game was a Syracuse basketball game. Long story short, the headline on ESPN.com was

"Joseph's 3s spark Cuse's rally for 10th straight"

I love the way that looks. Well I suppose that's enough for now, I'm already 14 minutes overdue on posting (gasp!). I know I'm never late with these things, my b my b.

The Kronicles of Kris Joseph

Hey everybody, it's the greatest rodent themed holiday around, Groundhog Day!

Hey everybody, it's the greatest rodent themed holiday around, Groundhog Day!

Hey everybody, it's the greatest rodent themed holiday around, Groundhog Day!

Haha get it? Come on, I had to make one joke because the movie is legen-wait for it...-DARY! Little known fact, Neil Patrick Harris makes a short lived cameo the first time Gobbler's Knob is shown in the movie Groundhog Day. (Is that true Tim?) No, of course not. But it sounds like it could totally be true, doesn't it? Ok I'm done with all that. We'll start with basketball and see where we go from there.

Saturday's game. We're coming off arguably our biggest win of the year, a thrashing of biggest rival Georgetown after going down 14-0 early. We head out to Chicago to play the 15th best team in the Big East, DePaul (who knew that DePaul played in Chicago?) Cuse is set for a huge win. I predicted 100 points and a 20 point game for my man Kris Joseph. Well, we got 59. And Kris had a gentleman's 15 points. Not quite how I imagined it playing out. Once again, Syracuse fell victim to the law of nature that every three taken by a Syracuse opponent goes in. I know it's like a broken record, but it keeps happening. DePaul did it, G-Town did it, Marquette did it, whoever we played before them probably did it too, I can't even remember. But, despite going down 33-15, Syracuse didn't give up. 16 points later, the score was 33-31. 35-31 at the half.

I'm going to take a break now and tell a little story of a young man. A young man named Tim and how his chance encounter could change the future of the Syracuse men's basketball program. He works in an office in the business school at Syracuse. One day, he is bringing something into his colleague's office (a colleague who makes about 50 times more than he does, but that's beside the point). As he passes the reception area, who would he see but a young gentleman who is fairly tall. Little bit of a beard on the chin. Sweat pants with the number 32 on them. Here's what's going through Tim's head at this time:

HOLY F---ING S--T, IT'S F---ING KRIS JOSEPH! (my apologies for Tim's mind's profanity).

His thoughts being as they were, nothing fit to say out loud came into his head. So, Tim ducked into his coworker's office to gather himself and to prevent a major meltdown in front of his bosses. Alas, by the time he collected himself, our hero was dismayed to realize that Kris had already left after signing a basketball poster hanging on the office wall. However, Tim had an inkling that Kris could see in his eyes that he was his #1 fan. Having finally met (but not really) his #1 fan, Kris went on his way with no more uncertainty of his popularity among Cuse students.

Back to the DePaul game. Second half. Cuse again starts to fall behind, this time by 9. They are on the brink, teetering on the edge of a cataclysmic (awesome word) loss that could disrupt their momentum and send the whole season spiraling out of control. Someone needed to step up. Someone needed to make a play. Someone did. Andy Rautins gets the ball near the top of the key, drawing two defenders. He quickly finds the open man. It's Kris Joseph! In rhythm, he steps into a 3-pointer and lets loose. In my eyes, the ball hangs in the air for an eternity. And an eternity more. It drops...through the hoop! Three points! Kris made his first three since playing North Carolina on November 20. All of a sudden, Cuse couldn't miss. Andy makes a 3, Scoop makes a three, Wes throws down a statement jam. Cuse goes on to win. All. Because. Of Kris.

Fast forward. Tonight's game. I wasn't looking forward to it, as it wasn't going to be a fun blowout or an exciting rivalry game. It's a mid-week night game against a mediocre opponent, nothing to write home about. Tim was wrong again. Sure the game could've been more exciting, Cuse ended up winning by 17. But there was plenty to yell and scream about. I was dancing in my seat. And I'll tell you why. Kris Joseph brought Groundhog Day to the Carrier Dome. He got fouled on a layup and made it anyway. He got fouled on a layup and made it anyway. He got fouled on a layup and made it anyway. He threw down a two handed jam. He threw down a two handed jam. In between, to my delight, he made a jump shot. He got an alley-oop and put it away with authority. The only thing he didn't do was make another three, as his attempt went in and out. All told, he had a career high 23 points and the world's biggest smile on his face. Ok, second biggest. The biggest was on a giant head Kris Joseph poster in the crowd (now the background on my phone in case you wanted to see it). Best. Game. Ever.

I really apologize to those who don't like sports all that much. I've really neglected you as of late. But as you can see, Kris Joseph should be and is the main focus of this post. He's mah boy! But oh, ok let's talk about something else for a sec. Let's talk about the iPad. So it's like this computer thingy that's good for media type stuff. And you can use your hands. So it's a cross between a VCR and a chicken wing? Well, let's say this right now. It is an incredible piece of technology. It's going to revolutionize the entire market. It's going to do for the tablet computer market what the iPod did for the music industry. All of that is a given. So, instead of all of this trivial drivel, people are talking about what's really important: how the name sounds like a feminine product. Come on, don't you think that's the real issue here? Seriously, on YouTube when you type in iPad, the search suggestions are as follows:

Top suggestion: iPad madtv
Second suggestion: iPad apple

More people are looking for the iPad comedy sketch done by Mad TV a couple years ago than for actual information on the iPad computer. Wow. Are you serious, America?

It's ok, though, even if the country is going in an inescapable downward spiral into a cultural black hole, Kris Joseph is playing the best basketball of his young career. So all is right with the world (besides that whole spiral thing that I mentioned a moment ago).