Friday, September 2, 2011

Cuse on the Loose!

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I don’t even know why I keep writing this like it’s a conversation, there’s obviously nobody left to read this and answer “Yes, Tim, it has indeed been a while. I concur.” And then your roommate quietly leaves the building because they discovered for the first time that you are, in fact a crazy person who talks to their computer. Who would name a computer Tim anyway? I suppose I am using this diversion as an excuse not to start writing again. That Cuse game Thursday was the second greatest football game I have ever attended. Incidentally, the best one was the last game I went to, the Pinstripe Bowl against Kansas State. So the last two Cuse football games I’ve been to have been the greatest I’ve ever gone to. And, they scored 36 points in both games. Weird, isn’t it?

Congratulations! You made it past the first extremely awful paragraph! Only 47 extremely awful paragraphs to go! Another sentence ending in an exclamation point! To tell the story of the game, we must travel back in time, all the way to right before the game. I decided to do something I’ve never done before in my entire life. I ate a sit-down meal at Dinosaur. I agree. I am really weird for living in Syracuse for three years and visiting for copious amounts of time before and never doing that. Oh well. Unfortunately, I felt like a chump sitting there with my half chicken when two of my friends were splitting the Bigass Planet-Sized Multisteak Combo that Dinosaur claims is a two person dinner but could really feed about five and a half people, with so much food it took our waitress multiple trips to deliver just their meal, let alone the rest of the table’s food. My food was delicious, but I was disappointed that I was able to get up from the table and walk afterward instead of slipping gently into the welcoming arms of a food coma right there in the restaurant.

So for the reason of delicious food and loving friendship, I left my beloved Orange to fend for themselves for a quarter. By the time I got to the game, the first quarter was ending, with the Wake Forest Demon Deacons leading 6-0. Ok, I can’t go on like this. Wake Forest shall henceforth be known as the Oxymorons. Couldn’t let that one go. It was either the Oxymorons or something like the Wake Forest Slash and Burn Farmers. So back to the game. The Oxymorons are backed up on their own 2 yard line and Syracuse keeps stopping them, so they punt to us. Four or five plays later, Cuse scores because they give the ball to an unathletic and fairly slow player who slow-motions his way into the endzone in style. So here I am, less than 5 minutes at the game and Cuse takes a 7-6 lead. Obviously it was all because they were waiting for me to show up, right?

What. The. Hell.

Wrong. The kickoff gets shanked about 30 yards out of bounds and the next play is a 60 yard touchdown for the Oxys. Cuse led for all of 10 seconds of game time before going back to its old, awful tendencies. After bashing my head repeatedly on the bleachers, I took a moment to take in the scene. The marching band was playing Cee-Lo’s “F*** You,” which was a nice response to Wake stealing our players’ scholarship money and girlfriends on the last play. Never let anyone say that our marching band isn’t badass. Looking at the student section, I saw a sight that should never be seen on the Syracuse campus. As far as the eye could see were Class of 2015 shirts, the mark of the freshman. What I’ve learned in my time here at Cuse is that the worst thing anyone could ever find out about you is that you’re a freshman. When meeting new people as a freshman, the conversation goes something like this:

"Hello, my name is Robert."
"Hello, my name is Phillip."
"Tell me about yourself, Phillip."
"I recently got released from jail for robbing a bunch of hospitals and setting fire to some orphanages. I constantly curse and have been know to sell drugs to kids. I enjoy talking on my phone in movie theaters and running down pedestrians in my car."
"Well, it's nice to meet you, Phillip. I think we'll be great friends. Oh, by the way, what class are you?"
"I am a freshman."
[Robert spits on Phillip and leaves in disgust.]

I guess I should have expected the freshmen to show up en masse for the game for two reasons. Number one, they haven't yet realized that any Syracuse home football game is a painful one to watch. Number two, when freshmen go anywhere, they take a group of about 75 of their closest friends with them. One more comment about the crowd during the game that I would like to make. Sitting one section over from me was a junior high or high school football team, all wearing their jerseys. I took a few glances at them, trying to figure out who played which position and would you imagine my surprise when I saw that #66 was a girl. Not only is it very rare to find a girl on a football team at any level, this girl played line. She was no doubt the team's enforcer, like Icebox from the little Giants (anyone?). Now we are faced with a dilemma. The technical name of the position she plays is either offensive or defensive lineman. Is she a lineman? A linewoman? Lineperson? It's just like the time they stopped calling the people who bring you food in a restaurant "waitresses" and "waiters" and started using the term "servers." We are going to need a whole new term to describe the phenomenon I have witnessed.

I suppose for old time's sake, I should talk a little bit more about the game. I'd say that in hindsight, it was poorly played by Syracuse for about 51 minutes of the game and by Wake for 9 minutes, but those 9 minutes were all we needed. For most of the game, the Syracuse defense looked like All Saints Day (because it was so HOLeY!) The Oxymorons threw pass after pass over Orange players that must have had their eyes closed or were drunk or something. The bad guys were winning 26-14. This prompted the drunk guys sitting behind me to start talking about Syracuse's chances for the rest of the game. One of them said "Hey, all we need is a touchdown and a field goal and it's all tied up. I looked sideways at him, wondering if he would correct himself, but no enlightenment showed through his glassy gaze. Those guys had been entertaining all night long, sometimes saying exactly what would happen seconds before it did, but mostly just saying stupid, drunk-guy type stuff. I really got my enjoyment that they left the stadium saying Cuse had lost after a play that ended up not even counting anyway. Wake got a long pass called back because of a penalty but they didn't notice and left. Wake ended up with a field goal, making it 29-14. Then, Syracuse decided enough was enough, they'd had it with the motherf***ing snakes on the motherf***ing plane and started trying.

Ryan Nassib had 3 of the most pinpoint and wonderful passes I have ever seen him throw and Van Chew was catching footballs like Rocky Balboa catches punches to the face. Antwon Bailey had one of the most improbable touchdown runs I have ever seen, a 53 yard tightrope act that had me thinking he stepped out of bounds like three or four times. If you can remember, Antwon is my favorite player on the team, mainly because he is awesome, also because he never really punches anyone in the face like some Syracuse running backs last year that I won't care to mention. I have come up with a great combo name for the two biggest weapons on the Orange- Vantwon Chewy. You heard it here first.

Syracuse scored 15 points in 4 minutes to tie with 7 minutes left. They then proceeded to get an interception and had the ball on Wake's 32, tie game, with 5 minutes left. They gained some yards, milled the clock down to 2 minutes. Then the fun started. First, the field goal team didn't get set up in time and got delay of game called on them. Then, they had the field goal blocked. Wake ball, now we should start worrying. Luckily, Wake decided it was going to take a nap for 2 minutes and the game went into overtime.

Long story short, Cuse gets a touchdown, and I (having made friends with a guy two rows behind me so I would have someone to high five) high fived a guy two rows behind me. I screamed until I sounded like a five year old girl. I clapped until my hands felt like a George Foreman Grill that had been left on for too long. I jumped up and down until I felt like an idiot (didn't take that long, actually). It was a fun time. Except for one thing. In the middle of the game, I saw someone across the stadium from me wearing a "The Devil Wears Orange" t-shirt, an artifact of the short-lived Greg Paulus era. COME ON! Do you have no other orange t-shirts to wear? I feel like I'm talking crazy here. Next time I see one of those shirts, come find me. I'll be in the fetal position in the corner of my closet.

BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

1 comment:

  1. Glad to see this is back. One addition: it should read "Dinosaur claims is a two person dinner but could really feed about five and a half people [or one Steve]." Seriously, I eat a lot and the prices in NYC have finally done what nothing else could...give me a moment's pause when I polish off an entire box of cookies in one sitting. Have no fear though, I have to walk uphill both to and from class (you heard me) so I get plenty of cardio.

    Hope things are going well in Cuse Country. Make sure you yell at (and apparently spit on) some freshmen for me.

    Latah broski

    ReplyDelete