Dear Technology, You Suck. Love, Tim

Hey, remember the time I wrote about something other than sports? Neither do I. Obviously there are other things happening in the world and with Syracuse football beating Rhode Island 21-14 in the world's most boring game, I started thinking about what else to occupy my time with. Then, Cuse lost 38-17 to USC which sucked, but knowing the NCAA and USC, in 10 years or so USC's victory will be vacated and the win will belong to Syracuse. Awesome.

So I've been taking a comprehensive survey about all of the problems in my life, and I'd say that about 98% of them are due to the slow and painful death of all of the technology I involve myself with. I'll start from the beginning. A couple of weeks ago, my computer shut off for seemingly no reason. As it turned out, about an hour previous my power cord had started making a high pitched "I don't work anymore" buzzing noise. I was left without a computer and hoofed it to the engineering school at 10 PM to order a new cord. Unrelated sidebar- the kid sitting next to me was engaged in a very heated, loud, and profanity-laced argument with his computer. In an academic building so late at night, I began to fear for my life because of the overall lack of sane human beings in the vicinity. Oh, and a quick addendum, all of this happened about the time that the TV in my apartment burned out. Who knew TVs could actually do that?

The second problem I experienced and continue to deal with is the internet in my apartment consistently shutting itself off to see how upset it can make me. Every couple of days, I will sit down to do some research or watch a show of some sort and my internet gives me one of those "Catastrophic Fail, the internet decided to leave and steal your computer's lunch money" error messages. I must then hit the reset button on the router to make it come back, only to repeat the cycle the next day.

Thirdly, I am currently a depositor in the renowned Bank of America. Yes, I am continuing with the whole "Technology sucks" thread, so deal with it. I actually just got off the phone with them about an hour ago. My problem goes back about two weeks to when I went on the site, went to transfer some money into my checking account to pay my rent, you know, so I don't get evicted, no big deal. Much to my surprise, I click the Transfers button and am instantly rerouted to internet hell. The top half of the site is in Spanish, the bottom is an unrecognizable mush of drop-down menus and links that go nowhere, and the walls of my apartment started to ooze green slime (wait, they already did that). So, diligent banker that I am, I tried to start up an online chat with an "online banking professional." Her name was Marie and seemed an extremely pleasant lady, intent on fixing my problem. I described the situation to her, and she immediately launches into an explanation of how to solve a completely different problem. So I tell her more about my problem saying that was not helping. So she gives me the exact same explanation that she did just a moment before. I started to suspect she was a program from the machine world. And, of course, the chat crashed, the site crashed, my computer crashed, the International Space Station crashed, etc. etc. etc. I checked back today, and yes, the site still sucked, and no, there was no hope of me ever being able to pay for anything ever again. So I called the online banking tech support whatever hotline. I was led through a maze of menus, one after another, never quite getting an option that sounded right. After a while, some of the menus started to sound familiar, and yes, the cycle had repeated itself and I had started over. Apparently there was no option that could possibly lead me to a real person. I hung up, proceeded to bash my head with the refrigerator door for twenty minutes. I somehow came to the realization that Bank of America's game of deception and mystery had a purpose. Here are the facts:

1. My account recently was updated so I get charged a fee every time I talk to a live teller. I now do all of my banking at an ATM.
2. In my online chat, the "person" on the other end had absolutely nothing to say to me that a computer program wouldn't have said, aside from "Hi, my name's Marie." Then again, who's to say a computer program couldn't be named Marie.
3. I spend a large amount of time on a customer service phone call and was led to believe no possible solution existed that would get me a real person on the phone.

What do all of these facts point to? Nobody works for Bank of America. It is a corporation that is a front for the robotic takeover of human civilization. But hey, at least my savings are FDIC-insured. So in the event of the apocalypse, I'm covered up to $100,000 of losses. Hooray.

That's all I have for technology right now. Not for a lack of effort on my part. I feel like the 3.5 loyal readers of mine have heard enough. So I won't tell you about how I got electronically locked into Kimmel Computer Lab or how I have spent an entire semester locked in a death-struggle with Microsoft Office before I finally chopped off its head and was able to make an Excel spreadsheet with its lifeless shell of a body. So, moving on, I think that's it for now. Syracuse moving to the ACC from the Big East blahblahblah. Here's that move in a nutshell. ACC teams are much less fun to hate (besides Duke) than nearly every Big East team. No rivalries = no hooliganism. Syracuse is taking proactive steps to keep SU students from becoming drunk, stupid, violent, and angry. Wait. Whoops.

Cuse on the Loose!

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I don’t even know why I keep writing this like it’s a conversation, there’s obviously nobody left to read this and answer “Yes, Tim, it has indeed been a while. I concur.” And then your roommate quietly leaves the building because they discovered for the first time that you are, in fact a crazy person who talks to their computer. Who would name a computer Tim anyway? I suppose I am using this diversion as an excuse not to start writing again. That Cuse game Thursday was the second greatest football game I have ever attended. Incidentally, the best one was the last game I went to, the Pinstripe Bowl against Kansas State. So the last two Cuse football games I’ve been to have been the greatest I’ve ever gone to. And, they scored 36 points in both games. Weird, isn’t it?

Congratulations! You made it past the first extremely awful paragraph! Only 47 extremely awful paragraphs to go! Another sentence ending in an exclamation point! To tell the story of the game, we must travel back in time, all the way to right before the game. I decided to do something I’ve never done before in my entire life. I ate a sit-down meal at Dinosaur. I agree. I am really weird for living in Syracuse for three years and visiting for copious amounts of time before and never doing that. Oh well. Unfortunately, I felt like a chump sitting there with my half chicken when two of my friends were splitting the Bigass Planet-Sized Multisteak Combo that Dinosaur claims is a two person dinner but could really feed about five and a half people, with so much food it took our waitress multiple trips to deliver just their meal, let alone the rest of the table’s food. My food was delicious, but I was disappointed that I was able to get up from the table and walk afterward instead of slipping gently into the welcoming arms of a food coma right there in the restaurant.

So for the reason of delicious food and loving friendship, I left my beloved Orange to fend for themselves for a quarter. By the time I got to the game, the first quarter was ending, with the Wake Forest Demon Deacons leading 6-0. Ok, I can’t go on like this. Wake Forest shall henceforth be known as the Oxymorons. Couldn’t let that one go. It was either the Oxymorons or something like the Wake Forest Slash and Burn Farmers. So back to the game. The Oxymorons are backed up on their own 2 yard line and Syracuse keeps stopping them, so they punt to us. Four or five plays later, Cuse scores because they give the ball to an unathletic and fairly slow player who slow-motions his way into the endzone in style. So here I am, less than 5 minutes at the game and Cuse takes a 7-6 lead. Obviously it was all because they were waiting for me to show up, right?

What. The. Hell.

Wrong. The kickoff gets shanked about 30 yards out of bounds and the next play is a 60 yard touchdown for the Oxys. Cuse led for all of 10 seconds of game time before going back to its old, awful tendencies. After bashing my head repeatedly on the bleachers, I took a moment to take in the scene. The marching band was playing Cee-Lo’s “F*** You,” which was a nice response to Wake stealing our players’ scholarship money and girlfriends on the last play. Never let anyone say that our marching band isn’t badass. Looking at the student section, I saw a sight that should never be seen on the Syracuse campus. As far as the eye could see were Class of 2015 shirts, the mark of the freshman. What I’ve learned in my time here at Cuse is that the worst thing anyone could ever find out about you is that you’re a freshman. When meeting new people as a freshman, the conversation goes something like this:

"Hello, my name is Robert."
"Hello, my name is Phillip."
"Tell me about yourself, Phillip."
"I recently got released from jail for robbing a bunch of hospitals and setting fire to some orphanages. I constantly curse and have been know to sell drugs to kids. I enjoy talking on my phone in movie theaters and running down pedestrians in my car."
"Well, it's nice to meet you, Phillip. I think we'll be great friends. Oh, by the way, what class are you?"
"I am a freshman."
[Robert spits on Phillip and leaves in disgust.]

I guess I should have expected the freshmen to show up en masse for the game for two reasons. Number one, they haven't yet realized that any Syracuse home football game is a painful one to watch. Number two, when freshmen go anywhere, they take a group of about 75 of their closest friends with them. One more comment about the crowd during the game that I would like to make. Sitting one section over from me was a junior high or high school football team, all wearing their jerseys. I took a few glances at them, trying to figure out who played which position and would you imagine my surprise when I saw that #66 was a girl. Not only is it very rare to find a girl on a football team at any level, this girl played line. She was no doubt the team's enforcer, like Icebox from the little Giants (anyone?). Now we are faced with a dilemma. The technical name of the position she plays is either offensive or defensive lineman. Is she a lineman? A linewoman? Lineperson? It's just like the time they stopped calling the people who bring you food in a restaurant "waitresses" and "waiters" and started using the term "servers." We are going to need a whole new term to describe the phenomenon I have witnessed.

I suppose for old time's sake, I should talk a little bit more about the game. I'd say that in hindsight, it was poorly played by Syracuse for about 51 minutes of the game and by Wake for 9 minutes, but those 9 minutes were all we needed. For most of the game, the Syracuse defense looked like All Saints Day (because it was so HOLeY!) The Oxymorons threw pass after pass over Orange players that must have had their eyes closed or were drunk or something. The bad guys were winning 26-14. This prompted the drunk guys sitting behind me to start talking about Syracuse's chances for the rest of the game. One of them said "Hey, all we need is a touchdown and a field goal and it's all tied up. I looked sideways at him, wondering if he would correct himself, but no enlightenment showed through his glassy gaze. Those guys had been entertaining all night long, sometimes saying exactly what would happen seconds before it did, but mostly just saying stupid, drunk-guy type stuff. I really got my enjoyment that they left the stadium saying Cuse had lost after a play that ended up not even counting anyway. Wake got a long pass called back because of a penalty but they didn't notice and left. Wake ended up with a field goal, making it 29-14. Then, Syracuse decided enough was enough, they'd had it with the motherf***ing snakes on the motherf***ing plane and started trying.

Ryan Nassib had 3 of the most pinpoint and wonderful passes I have ever seen him throw and Van Chew was catching footballs like Rocky Balboa catches punches to the face. Antwon Bailey had one of the most improbable touchdown runs I have ever seen, a 53 yard tightrope act that had me thinking he stepped out of bounds like three or four times. If you can remember, Antwon is my favorite player on the team, mainly because he is awesome, also because he never really punches anyone in the face like some Syracuse running backs last year that I won't care to mention. I have come up with a great combo name for the two biggest weapons on the Orange- Vantwon Chewy. You heard it here first.

Syracuse scored 15 points in 4 minutes to tie with 7 minutes left. They then proceeded to get an interception and had the ball on Wake's 32, tie game, with 5 minutes left. They gained some yards, milled the clock down to 2 minutes. Then the fun started. First, the field goal team didn't get set up in time and got delay of game called on them. Then, they had the field goal blocked. Wake ball, now we should start worrying. Luckily, Wake decided it was going to take a nap for 2 minutes and the game went into overtime.

Long story short, Cuse gets a touchdown, and I (having made friends with a guy two rows behind me so I would have someone to high five) high fived a guy two rows behind me. I screamed until I sounded like a five year old girl. I clapped until my hands felt like a George Foreman Grill that had been left on for too long. I jumped up and down until I felt like an idiot (didn't take that long, actually). It was a fun time. Except for one thing. In the middle of the game, I saw someone across the stadium from me wearing a "The Devil Wears Orange" t-shirt, an artifact of the short-lived Greg Paulus era. COME ON! Do you have no other orange t-shirts to wear? I feel like I'm talking crazy here. Next time I see one of those shirts, come find me. I'll be in the fetal position in the corner of my closet.

BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!